I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
