tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
