If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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