I want to have your abortion
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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