Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
