She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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