just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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