I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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