In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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