The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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