It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
