i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
