This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
