I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
