dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
