I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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