CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
