Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
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I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
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I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why