Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
