If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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