you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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