Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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