I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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