I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
