the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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