Screwed.edu
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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