The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
