This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's shark week go big or go home
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
