Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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