apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
