It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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