im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
