I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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