I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
