i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
