Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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