You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
