Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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