The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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