I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
