A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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