Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's not a walk of shame if you run
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
