You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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