I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
