You made me cry and you don't even care
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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