i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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