Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
