I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
