If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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