He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
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She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
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You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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