she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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