just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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