How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
