dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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