We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
