WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
