So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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