There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
