i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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