so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
